I guess I will just say that I owe several posts about my recent adventures (Portland in December, New Year’s in Detroit, Lovely Los Angeles and Lucky London.) However, today’s quick post is going to be about the soon-to-be-released film Chicago 10.

Last night my roommate invited me to go with her to a screening of the new Brett Morgen documentary Chicago 10 hosted by Generation Engage and Campus Progress. This documentary couldn’t have entered my life at a more appropriate time. After feeling guilty for my non-action in the recent months and my lackadaisical attitudes toward politics, it truly inspired me to voice my opinion. I’ve been told by a dear friend that I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve, but I’ve always thought of myself as being fickle and apathetic. I suppose love and politics are usually seen as separate, but why? Aren’t both about passion, believing in something or someone? I think I’m falling in love with my beliefs again.

For me post-college has been a watering down of my ardent desires to change the world. Changing people’s thoughts on homosexuality, race, culture…my list went on. Somehow in the years since I’ve graduated I feel like I’ve been stuck between a rock and a…tree I’m hugging. There have been many conversations with friends about how we’ve had to sometimes decide between our own needs and our beliefs. It seems that many of my friends have felt that the bleeding-heart liberal stuff is unrealistic. I even find myself wishing I could simply sign a check, that is if I was taking enough money to do so. The real world sometimes seem to impose this belief we need to sacrifice a portion of our beliefs, or at least do a bit of self-censorship in order to be effective employees/ friends/ significant others. I wonder how much of myself I’ve given up. Is it just reality? Like Robert Frost said, “I never dared to be a radical when young for fear it would make me conservative when old.” Do we grow up with heads full of fanciful ideas on how to change the world and then either learn to conform to find personal success or rebel only to be seen as crazy? I don’t know, although I suppose those are just two extremes.

Last night left me with a feeling of empowerment. I was inspired by Brett Morgen and Kevin Powell, who were the speakers at the post-screening discussion last night. Even though I don’t necessarily agree with their beliefs, I see merit in their mainstream success. They’re working toward something they believe in and they’re not shying away from their politics. Maybe it’s just my natural tendency, but I usually back down from a fight–recalling now that last night I cringed at the sight of demonstrators in the documentary getting their heads bashed in with night sticks for simply being present. Don’t want to get too personal, but I’m reminded of how this attitude permeates a large portion of my life. I suppose I’m not a fighter, I’m more of a tree-hugging people pleaser. However, after last night I realized I shouldn’t feel shame for my watered down beliefs. Instead I should focus making a change, which I think I’m doing at my job. Last night at the post-screening discussion there was a lot of talk about being more physically active in creating a dialogue and questioning the government. I suppose I’d like to blame my childhood in Korea during the 80s. I’d like to blame my after-school bus-rides home where all of us elementary schoolers sat with our heads in our laps, trying to escape the air in our tear gas-filled buses, the remnants from protests at nearby universities. Its not fair to blame those demonstrations, but I don’t know what it is, it’s not in me. I have felt for a long time I am just not the right person to do my job, because I should have more passion and be more of an activist.

Yesterday’s discussion made me to begin thinking about how so many of us are apathetic and yet we remain frustrated with the way things are going, but are unsure about the methods to use to create a change. So many encourage people to get out there and demonstrate–make a physically present statement. It’s just not something I feel comfortable with or am able to do. We all have our different convictions and beliefs, so although I don’t disagree with demonstrating, I feel it’s not my course of action. I am not proud of the fact I’m unable to protest by means of demonstration. However, I do feel much more inspired to continue doing the work that I do with youth-with education-with policy-making. I feel like I’ve fallen in love with my job all over again, realizing how much more there is to do and how I can incorporate my strengths into my current position.

I guess my final thoughts for today are this: do what you are comfortable with, do what you can, but don’t keep quiet. People might criticize me for my inability to mobilize myself or do something radical, but that’s just not me, which is part of standing up for myself…and now I feel that good college activism rise up in me again. I have a voice and I will use it in the ways I see fit. So I guess I’m just trying to say: do something. Do what you can. Be present. Be active. Speak your mind. Don’t be afraid to be yourself.

Then when you’re done…go grab a burger with Evander Holyfield. Wait, right, now I’m bragging. That is what my roommate and I did after we watched Chicago 10. Anyway, I encourage you to watch the documentary. Feel empowered. Go out and be active in something you believe in. Right now…I’m working on Korea stuff…because hey, that’s what I am passionate about.